Showing posts with label not directly related. Show all posts
Showing posts with label not directly related. Show all posts

Tuesday, 27 March 2012

Thalggu Demands More Flattering Portraiture!

Inspired by Mr Zak S[mith/-abbath] esquire's assertion that the artwork is a substantial element in the "cool monster or not?" decision-making process.

(Can't find the exact quotation. It was either in his alphabetical MM thing, or in one of his FF-reimagined posts.)

WI: the Brain Collector had had *this* (or something similarly monochrome and atmospheric) as its artwork from the get go? Would it get more fan-love? Or would it still flounder in obscurity?




Joesky Tax to follow...  

Pic source: Moebius, via Monster Brains.

Saturday, 25 February 2012

Untimately's 20Qs

Answering this mainly for my own satisfaction. And coz, hey, bandwagon!

If you decide this stuff early, you are less likely to have misunderstandings and more likely to all be on the same page.
Truer words never spoken.

1. Ability scores? 

3d6 in order.

2. How are death and dying handled?
0 hp = down. GM has a "Dead, Dying or Malingering?" table which is rolled on at the end of combat.

3. Raising the dead?
Can be done. Has complications. You tend to bring things back with you...

4. Replacement PCs? 
Promote your senior henchman to PC status. Else 0xp, 3d6 in order

5. Initiative: individual, group, other? 
Group.

6. Crits and fumbles: how do they work? 
Nat 20 = attack again.
Nat 1 = foe ripostes (gets to attack you again)

7. Benefits for wearing a helmet? 
No, but not wearing one makes your head AC9, and I understand you keep important stuff in there...

8. Can I hurt my friends if I fire into melee or do something similarly silly?
Yes, oh god yes. Please, fire into melee, make the GM's day...

9. Run from some encounters, or kill everything in our path?
Invest in running shoes. There's always someone bigger and nastier out there.

10. Level-drainers: yes or no?
Yes, Con drain.

11. Can one failed save result in PC death?
Yes, because actions have consequences.

12. Encumbrance tracking: how strict?
I use the nice and simple LotFP Enc. rules (25 items max, bulky items count for more), so things are pretty self-regulating.

13. What's required when my PC gains a level? Training? Do I get new spells automatically? Can it happen in the middle of an adventure, or do I have to wait for down time?
PCs gain levels only when they return to town and integrate their hard-won experience as life lessons and new techniques.
New spells/lvl = Int mod. You can sub in potion formulae instead...

14. What do I get XP for?
You get XP for killing, theft, drinking heavily, and seeing/doing new stuff. The last is in accordance with Jeff Rients' XPloration rules.

15. How are traps located? Description, dice rolling, or some combination?
Description. If you don't say you're looking, then you probably walk right into it.

16. Are retainers encouraged and how does morale work?
Retainers are heavily encouraged, unless you fancy starting at 0xp when your PC goes "Blargh! I'm ded". Morale is pretty much by the book.

17. How do I identify magic items?
Magic items tend to look magic IMG: the more powerful an item is, the more awesome it will look.
You have to attune the item (takes 1 turn) and then attempt to use it. Command words must be researched (interrogating sprits, sages, monsters, etc.)

18. Can I buy magic items? Oh, come on: how about just potions?
Potions, scrolls and minor charms (+1 to something), yes.
Major stuff, not a chance! You have to take major magic off someone/-thing who already has it.

19. Can I create magic items? When and how?
Scrolls at L1, potions when you learn the formulae. Magic items at L9.

20. Splitting the party?
You can if you want. But expect to spend half your time listening to other people having cool adventures...

Thanks to Brendan for setting these out.

Wednesday, 8 February 2012

23 Stoopid Answers to 23 Sensible Questions

(JOESKY Tax content at bottom of post for those who don't fancy reading a bunch of egoblogging wordswordswords.)

In accordance with my informal policy of leaving no passing bandwagon unmolested, and because I need to type something to get my fingers limbered up, I hereby present my answers in brief to the open interview questionnaire posed by that odd arty bloke with the eyebrow-raising resume. Thus spaketh the Zak:

Repost and answer. Or, if you don't have a blog, answer in the comments. Or be a big rebel and do neither.

1. If you had to pick a single invention in a game you were most proud of what would it be?
I don't invent. I steal, file off the serial numbers, and exploit to the hilt. Original ideas are things that happen to other people.
I am quietly pleased with the Chambers of Devouring Night though. I've had to institute a Jeff-style XPloration bonus just to get people to set foot in them, the cowards.

2. When was the last time you GMed?

Sunday 22th Jan. GCX playtest. I learned many valuable lessons in 'theory != practise' and 'the wastepaper basket is your best friend' that day.

"Why did you think I meant critique when I said critique? Don't you know that's code for 'massage my ego subcreature'?"

3. When was the last time you played?

An RPG? September 2011.
Any fantasy game? Sunday 29th Jan.

4. Give us a one-sentence pitch for an adventure you haven't run but would like to.

Spelljammer Ulysses 31 using a Terminal Space/Mazes+Minotaurs mash-up system.

5. What do you do while you wait for players to do things?


Scribble notes. Smile enigmatically. Roll dice for the noise they make.

6. What, if anything, do you eat while you play?

Wine gums or hard candy. I'm a bit of a stickler for no crumbly foods (and no glasses!) at the table. Children get food on their books, adults should not. Especially not my books. I will use a cigar trimmer to take fingers in payment!

7. Do you find GMing physically exhausting?

Mentally draining, yes. Hell on the vocal chords, yes. Physically exhausting, no.

8. What was the last interesting (to you, anyway) thing you remember a PC you were running doing?

Pass. It's been entirely too long since I've played in a truly memorable game. We had fun a lot of fun with moral dilemmas in an L5R game a few years back...

9. Do your players take your serious setting and make it unserious? Vice versa? Neither?

Everything turns into Nextwave or Metalocalypse in the grubby hands of my players. Everything. Nothing is sacred; everything is there to be mocked, then stolen or destroyed.

10. What do you do with goblins?


Nothing! Any rumours you have heard to the contrary are scurrilous calumnies on my good character. Srsly? Generally they turn into a vicious version of Froud's "Labyrinth" goblins, or possibly L5R's bakemono: funny right up until their clownish antics turn nasty and start downing PCs.

11. What was the last non-RPG thing you saw that you converted into game material (background, setting, trap, etc.)?


A lot of the gadgets and gimmicks from issues 1-24 of "Transmetropolitan" (yes, people still read that).

12. What's the funniest table moment you can remember right now?

In-game: Possibly the First Annual Vaults Spontaneous Mook Convention. You know the situation, it was that one time that *every* WM roll came up a 1 (memo to self: check Eye of Sauron d6 for excessive evilness). Halfway through a pretty standard fight more creatures turned up.
"Uh oh!"
The fight continued. Check for racket: more monsters.
"Fight on!"
Check again (#=1) And more...
(#=1) and more...
(#=1) and more...
Eventually the party clear the area, settle down to bind their wounds and loot the dead. I tick off the turn and note it's time for another WM check. *clatter, clatter* "Hey, guess what lads..."
"Don't care. Routing. Dump the swag. Leave the dying. Devil take the hindmost!"
They hared it back to the surface like rats out of a drainpipe. First time I've used the pursuit rules in a while...

Meta/Tabletalk: The Manifestation of the OmniFred. It was deemed by the usual decision-making process (hubbub and half-heard drunken inferences) that individuality was merely an illusion, and that all people and objects were actually aspects of Fred. Our apprehension of the inherent Fredness of all things lasted the rest of the evening. It got very weird. Thankfully no pianos required shifting.

13. What was the last game book you looked at--aside from things you referenced in a game--why were you looking at it?

Chaosium/GW "Stormbringer". I was looking at it coz that's what was propped on my printer.

14. Who's your idea of the perfect RPG illustrator?


John f***ing Blanche and his scritchy, mad, fever-dream art.

15. Does your game ever make your players genuinely afraid?

No. Only my arousal.

16. What was the best time you ever had running an adventure you didn't write? (If ever)

It was a TSR adventure we played back in the day. I vaguely remember it being some "But thou must..." Dragonlance railroad. The players - trained in the school of hard knocks (and sly shankings) that is WFRP - said "screw the plot" and instead set about harvesting wandering monsters for their skin and organ resale value (weasel fur, fire beetle glowpods, Vilstrak gullet gems, etc). Fine by me; I'd only read a couple of pages ahead anyway. IIRC it all went TPK when they decided to raid a Roc's nest to steal the eggs.

And that is why you do not play Dragonlance ever! after immersing yourself in wildlife documentaries for an extended period.

17. What would be the ideal physical set up to run a game in?

Semi-circle of sofas with a large low table in the middle. Side table for refreshments. Good lighting. Instrumental background music turned low. No TV. Phones set to silent/emergency only, thank you.

18. If you had to think of the two most disparate games or game products that you like what would they be?

K.A.Pendragon and HoL. One is a serious-minded evocation of myth and literature; other is like someone made the inside of my nasty bogmonkey head into a game.

19. If you had to think of the most disparate influences overall on your game, what would they be?

Terry Gilliam films, HMHB, 2000AD, Cinnabar, Gear World

20. As a GM, what kind of player do you want at your table?
People who don't take themselves too seriously. We're adults playing Lets Pretend with our toy soldiers FFS! Punctuality (the courtesy of princes), attention to the matter at hand, and not being a rowdy attention hog are also appreciated. People bothering to learn the rules seems to be a hopeless pipe dream though...

21. What's a real life experience you've translated into game terms?

My fear of centipedes.  Although I've yet to introduce my players to the recurring nightmare of having one hatch out through your eye...

22. Is there an RPG product that you wish existed but doesn't?


The Concordance of Riskail by Netherwerks - the only role-playing product transmitted back to the Toxic Era by a surrealism-loving insectile hivemind. I would buy it SO HARD! And so would all other right-thinking people.

23. Is there anyone you know who you talk about RPGs with who doesn't play? How do those conversations go?


Lisa (Mrs Chris). Her geekery is Errol Flynn films, baking and arts-&-crafts, she's only ever played Heroquest, and she doesn't read extruded genre product. She understands the appeal of creating emergent improvised adventure stories, but has no desire to partake. All this - combined with a patient, understanding nature and a dry sense of humour - makes her a fantastic 'outside the bubble' sounding board for ideas.

-----

JOESKY TAX:

Spell: Deliquescent Transition (Wiz2)
Caster's body, clothing and held items melt into a varicoloured fleshy ooze. In this form the caster may squeeze through any non-air/watertight space at 1/2 normal speed. Yes, they can climb walls and ventilation pipes. 1 Round to dissolve flesh, 1 round to travel, 1 to reform. While in ooze form caster is AC 9[10], no Dex bonus.
Additional complication: encountered dungeon oozes think the caster has a purty mouth.

(yeah, like a potion of gaseous form, only less so.)

Thursday, 21 April 2011

Smell Like an Elf? Srsly?

RPG-themed perfumes? Really?

My thoughts on this:
  1. In b4 WOTC lean on creator demanding their cut.
  2. I thought we'd plumbed the collective depths with the D&D sodas.
  3. Needs moar Old Spice parody:

“Hello, ladies. Look at your elf, now back to me. Now back at your elf, now back to me.
[...]
Anything is possible when your elf smells like Stygian Black Lotus and not a soft-handed gurlyman. I’m on a unicorn.”

Dammit capitalism! You used to be cool.

Tuesday, 18 May 2010

Bookcrossing Gaming Materials

(Prompted by a post over at Dungeons and Digressions)

Books can, and often do, outlast life with their original purchasers. The wonderful cultural tradition of the secondhand and antique book trades is proof enough of this. As is the strange pleasure of finding a dedication or an ex libris stamp inscribed by an original owner or gift-giver.

Want to still keep track of old gaming books when they get begged, stolen, borrowed, or sold on?
  1. Click over to bookcrossing.com 
  2. Tap in the ISBN of your book
  3. Get a bookcrossing number
  4. Stick it on the frontispiece along with a URL
  5. Release into the wild
Hopefully the kind soul who now has custody of your (erstwhile) possession will take a second to brave the swirling hive of dreamcatcher-loving hippy sentiment that is the bookcrossing community, update the location of the book, and let you know where in the world it's ended up.

I understand Bookmooch.com and Read It Swap It (UK) provide similar facilities.

Who knows, you might make some new gaming contacts along the way. Then again...

“Uh, what’s that you say? You’ve got an old D&D book of mine and you want to know if I want back? No thanks Mr. Maniac, and please don’t call here again!”
-- ze bulette

Sunday, 16 May 2010

Sunday Link Dump

Radium Age Telepaths (@ HiLoBrow) - Author's personal Top Ten (and a wider bibliography) of spooky mind powers in early speculative fiction. They also do podcast readings of pulp classics.

Der Andere Seite (Flickr gallery) - scritchy B+W artwork by Austrian Expressionist Alfred Kubin.

Soul Catcher (@ Fortean Times) - the fringe science "21 Grams" antics of Dr MacDougall.

Jerry Building (4 parts) & Joe Building (8 parts) (@ YouTube MeadesShrine) - Jonathan Meades explores the pomposity, banality and cod-mysticism of totalitarian architecture.

Also: the finest creation myth ever vouchsafed unto man:



(Though, wouldn't you know it, Dennis at What a Horrible Night to Have a Curse beats me to it when it comes to adulation for Journey to the West as gaming source material)

Tuesday, 4 May 2010

How Much is a Dovecote Anyway?

I've recently noticed a certain desire to play house among my D&D players.

No, I don't mean they want to emulate the antics of the infamous misanthropic doctor, or that they want to prod at one another in a NSFW way (at least, no more so than normal). But rather that, in a game predicated on playing out a chaos-fucked version of the gangsta aesthetic (to whit: "cap doodz: gain bling, hoes* and respect."), my players seem really keen on nest building.

* Quite why rappers regard gardening tools with such ardour is beyond me.

It starts small, with hirelings, henchmen and various pets. Then, as comfort level with the game world (such as it is) and available party cash increase, my players tend to start looking to put down roots fast and early. As in 'settling down by 4th level' early.

They're like rivers. Sure, they'll merrily babble through the glens, crash over the rapids, or throw themselves off the precipice if that's what's required by circumstances. But the moment the pressure comes off they slow down, drop their luggage everywhere, and start to think the place would look prettier with a water meadow over here, some alluvium there, a reed bed along the margins, an ox bow lake over yonder...

I don't recall people wanting to play Barbie Dollhouse Adventures D&D (I thought of it first Hasbro!) quite this much in my/our younger days. Maybe it's because we have a number of gurlz (chiz, chiz) in the group; or maybe it's because in our 20s-early 30s we're all slowly turning into fat and happy clichés of self-satisfied bourgeois. Whatever the reason, there's suddenly a desire to have a little pied a terre within the game.


"Gimme!"

I cite pulp heroic precedent for perpetual (skint) peripatetism, link to Al's S&S Greyhawk posts, sink their barge to keep them lean and hungry, and even wave the carousing tables in their faces. But my piteous, nasal, Cartman-like whinings of "But you can't settle down: it's not genre appropriate." have begun to sound pitiful and strained even to my own ears. Obviously people want to lavish care and attention on their particular little personal corner of our 'shared world'.

It's probably entirely my own fault for making the 'soap opera with ultraviolence' of "Deadwood" such a touchstone of the setting. That brings in - as a less than subtle subtext - the whole Western trope of settlement, civilisation and rising gentility. Which is all well and good, until people become more interested in playing Settlers than D&D.

But I think the single worst thing I ever did was let people read the (adapted to D&D) master price list from the K.A.Pendragon RPG.

Player: What's By-zan-ti-ney garb?
Me: *sighs and hands over History of Costume book*
Player: Oooh, pretty.
-----
Player: Can I buy a castle?
Me: When you're 9th level.
Player: What about a (*squint*) manor house? I have the cash, and an entourage to house, and you said the area was looking for people to settle...
Me: Ok, ok.
Player: Now, these tapestries...

It's like watching Clint Eastwood's laconic Man With No Name morph into home improvement fetishist Steve Thomas before your eyes. I'm thinking of burying the Pendragon Book of the Manor under 6' of concrete for the duration. They haven't noticed it yet, but I fear what will become of our sessions if they ever do. I'm not quite ready to have the game transformed entirely into some social media site farming sim.

Greyhawking the place? (in the "pillage the décor for resale" sense) The nearest we've had to that traditional dungeon crawler modus operandi is a particular form of magpie-ism that I call Beckfording. Unlike the traditional "Get the crowbars. It's all coming with us!" form of tomb robbing, Beckfording is where people seriously plot how to unseat that one particular fresco/mosaic/statue and transport it back home. Not for resale value; but simply because it'll look good in their house.

"Yeah, that Green Devil Face we hauled out of the Tomb of Horrors really ties the room together..."

Seeing my players try to get a favourite fresco (a cycling illusion of a pastoral scene) off a wall in one piece is possibly the hardest I've ever seen them work at any form of tactical/logistical planning! Forget searching for secret doors and treasure, they wanted this magic mural. I actually had a bit of a hint of a smidgeon of a twinge of guilt when I invoked the old "magic fades if removed from the room" rule and left them with only a few crumbling fragments of their prize. Had to throw a silly-dense combination of trap rooms and wandering monsters at them just to make the grizzling stop. :/

(grog hivemind query: What exactly is an appropriate basis for an Art Conservation check in B/X D&D anyway?)

So D&D as Grand Tour with added violence. Anyone else experienced it?

Grumbling and random links aside the K.A.Pendragon RPG is probably good (nay, excellent) fodder for a pre-Name level land-holding game of D&D. Even a fighter of 4th level will be a person of note in his local area, having pumped ~6,000gp into the economy (assuming 3/4 of his XP comes from loot) in the time it took him to rise that far. And all but the most insanely dedicated monster-slaying knight errants settle down eventually...

Re: the Pendragon price list. I just treat 'd' as 'gp'. Weapons aside, the price approximations are generally usable.

Thursday, 29 April 2010

Mandelbulb - One for Telecanter

I'm sure some of you are already familiar with this, but just on the off-chance it slipped by:


These are 3D digital renderings of the Mandelbrot set (and not anything to do with hideous pustular fruiting bodies erupting on the eminence gris of the British Labour Party).

Some cool and evocative stuff going on here, very sculptural.


"Mandelbulb Spine"


"Ice-Cream from Neptune"

Yep. That little lot's going somewhere deep and obscure in the Vaults.

Wednesday, 7 April 2010

I Never Got Dungeons

(Being an extended gripe about cargo cultism, having to craft one's own tools, and related shortcomings of the Pyrites Age of gaming when compared to the present day.)

As a larval gamer I never 'got' dungeons.

It's not that the claustrophobia of dark places, the dread of wicked eyes shining from the darkness, and the glitter of trapped treasure in hidden vaults below the earth, held no allure for me. More likely it's because dungeons as dungeons were rather out of fashion by the late 80s.

Visual Media?

The only pop-culture referent we had for trap-filled, monster-infested tombs which made a lasting impression on me were Raiders of the Lost Ark, the Seven^H^H^H^H^H Mysterious Cities of Gold cartoon, and the kids TV cheese of Knightmare. The Dungeons and Dragons cartoon? Not so much.

Fantasy films? We had some good stuff: Krull, Dragonslayer, Conan, Dark Crystal, Labyrinth ("Come inside, meet the missus"), Beastmaster and Willow ("Throw the baby in the volcano, not-Frodo!"). Yes, they were fun, but they were also the kind of film that could afford microdungeons of four or five rooms at best. The dark lordling with a half-a-dozen minions in his Shed of Doom typical of 80s fantasy films was mercilessly ripped on by Sir Terry in "Last Hero", and the backyard pyramid of Beastmaster is still a laughing stock in our circles. Arguably the best dungeoncrawl/dimension-hopping caper on offer: the Fortress of Ultimate Evil section of Time Bandits and its terrifying Flying Cow Skulls (once again Terry Gilliam wins a game he's not even playing).

Erm. How about games thicky?

Even things you'd expect to make for good dungeon fodder (like the gamer gateway Choose Your Own Adventure books) were of little utility. By their very nature these consisted of rigidly defined railroad choices regardless of whether your character was ostensibly travelling overland, visiting a city, travelling astralspace, or dungeoneering. That's a limitation of the medium though; there's only so much that can be achieved in less-than-400 entries. That said, Livingstone and Jackson's Fighting Fantasy, J.H.Brennan's Dragonquest and Jo Dever's Lone Wolf series pushed the envelope of what was possible within the inherent constraints of the medium. Fighting Fantasy even spun off the super-simple, super-fun Fighting Fantasy RPG series (AFF, Out of the Pit, Titan, Dungeoneer, Blacksand, Allansia), and J.H.Brennan wrote the comedic storygame ("You play you") known as Monster Horrorshow. Fantasy role-playing, yes. But sprawling, dynamic dungeons? Only kinda ...in a good light ...if you're being generous.

Unfortunately the famous, market-leading American game - you know, the one with Dungeon right there in the title - was of equally limited use in my initiation into dungeoneering. Mentzer Basic was over-specific in some regards; too vague in others. Yes, the dozens and dozens of monster descriptions were (and are) nice, but where was the other half of the equation, the blatantly missing 'how to' guide for dungeons? How’s a newby gamer actually supposed to build an interesting version of the Mines of Moria, or even a one shot funnel dungeon worth the crawling? Simply shipping Keep on the Borderlands with the Basic Box, in the same way that Isle of Dread was shipped with the Expert Box as an introduction to wilderness exploration, would have made things so much clearer.

The AD&D core books were likewise opaque on the all-important subject of dungeoncrafting. Yes, the One True DMG gave you rules for random dungeon generation, but only the very driest and most semi-complete of worked examples (pp94-97). Elsewhere a cornucopia of evocative prompting, when it came to the defining core of the game (dungeon crawling), the DMG proffered little practical advice beyond Uncle Gary's faux-magisterial "create and fill at least three levels". Little sense of the dungeon as a dynamic setting escaped the singularity of High Gygaxian pomposity and relentless brand building wickedly parodied by Kenzerco's Hackmaster.

Doug Niles' Dungeoneers' Survival Guide was likewise a chocolate teapot. Despite the name the book had almost nothing to do with dungeons. In truth it was the AD&D spelunking, mine management and subterranean ecology sourcebook: useful in a Silver Age fantastic realism way, but grossly misnamed. Miles of tunnels, caverns by the acre, but hardly a bleedin' 10'x10' corridor or pit trap in sight.

So where was all the good stuff? The common cultural referents and 'how to' guides? It took me several years to find, but it turns out to have been squirreled away in the (now-classic) mid/high level modules of course. Now, for all their merits, mid- to high-level tournament modules not being the most intuitively obvious place for the neophyte dungeon designer in search of inspiration to look.

*toothgrind*

Thank the dice gods for MB's Advanced Heroquest. It may have been a board-and-minis game created around the time that GW shifted from being 'us' to being 'them', but it had about the best section on combining set piece and random dungeon elements that I'd read to that point. And it was in distro in my particular (infested with inbred Marshwiggles) backwater of the UK . At last, tombs worth exploring! Barrows worth the digging! Evil cult temples worth the sack! Dungeons worth a damn! There’s a good reason AHQ commands absurd prices on the second-hand market to this day.

So yeah. I learned about proper dungeons from the kiddies version of WFRP, not from D&D. From the black comedy setting that wants you to die only after you've suffered for our amusement, rather than from the famous pulp-influenced, rags-to-riches game. For me it was Bogenhafen; not Greyhawk. The Undercity of Middenheim; not Castle Maure or Undermountain. Karak Eight Peaks; not D1-3. HWOBHM; not 70s psychedelic rock.

Appendix N and the Rich British Traditions of Folklore and Fantasy

I'd done my homework as a larval gamer/history geek. Anything with swords, castles, folklore, myths or legends was devoured with an omnivorous disregard for source, quality or coherence. Kevin Crossley-Holland, Roger Lacelyn Green and W.H.White had (and retain) honoured places on my book shelves.

The expected fantasy books weren't much help to me when distilling the essence of dungeoncrawl from the vapour of genre nuance. Games Workshop's fantasy novels and shorts collections were stark and witty, but kinda dungeon-lite. The TSR D&D novels ranged from *meh* to execrable. Most of EGG's Appendix N existed strictly as aspirations to be snapped up on the rare occasions they appeared in libraries or thrift shops. Lovecraft was known, but was deemed old and a bit weird. Fritz Leiber, Two Gun Bob, Karl Wagner and the like were relative exotica. C.L.Moore, Klarkash-Ton and Leigh Brackett were well-kept secrets entirely beyond my ken. Yep. Like I said earlier, f-ing parochial Marshwiggles was we.

The two titans of British fantasy in my formative years were arguably J.R.R.Tolkien and Michael Moorcock. Leastways, they were the most-cited common currency in the geek circles I moved in. I know the Eternal Champion tales have temple/tomb raids, godling-monster shankings, and quests for portentous shineys aplenty, but these things all played a distant second fiddle to the ennui-soaked philosophising. Elric is too busy being Sartre-with-a-sword to check for pit traps. For all Moorcock's prodigious breadth of invention it's not traps, hazards, and monsters that first spring to mind when thinking of Duke Hawkmoon's quest for the Runestaff, or Corum Jhaelen Irsei's one man crusade against the house cards of Swords.

Similarly the Blessed Tolkers, for all his virtues as a mythmaker, writer of dying speeches, and chronicler of overland travel really handwaved his crawls.
  • The Barrow Downs? An evocative, frightening episode instantly turned to crap by the advent of a witless, yellow-booted avatar of cozy folkiness.
  • Moria? Three day journey through a ruined subterranean city, three chambers described, two fights.
  • Paths of the Dead? One glossed-over talk encounter and some Legolas expo-speak.
  • Cirith Ungol? One spider and a bunch of morale 5 Orcs running from a gardener.
  • Beren and Luthien stealing their way into Angband? Glossed.
Bad show J.R.R! Failing to anticipate the future progression of a subculture which arose after you departed this vale of tears, one which I imagine you would have had little enough in common had you encountered it in your day. I thought you were supposed to be a clever boffin type. What good are your wonderful books to a poor confused proto-DM? (apart from the obvious) ;)

Help Unsought, plus Evocative Quotables

My formative literary dungeoncrawl? Not really a dungeoncrawl at all (certainly not a Conan, Fafhrd & Grey Mouser, Waylander iron-thewed competent hero one), but rather a couple of chapters from Tadd Williams' Tolkien-a-like fantasy doorstopper trilogy Memory, Sorrow and Thorn (aka: what G.R.R.Martin's SOI&F is trying to be). To whit, chapters 13, "Between Worlds" and chapter 14, "The Hill Fire" of The Dragonbone Chair. I've included a few passages below:

"He sank down onto the gritty tunnel floor, weeping with helpless, strengthless anger, a barely beating heart in a universe of black stone. The blackness was a choking thing that pressed on him, squeezing out his breath."
-- p225

"The passageway squirmed into the stone heart of the Hayholt, a smothering, winding, cob-webbed track lit only by the glean of Morgenes' crystal sphere. Broken spiderwebs performed a slow, ghostly dance in the wake of his passage; when he turned to look back the strands seemed to wave at him, like the clutching, boneless fingers of the drowned."
-- p227

"The heat was oppressive, and the air was thick with itching smoke. [...] The tunnel flattened, turning now neither left nor right, leading down a long, eroded gallery to an arched doorway that danced with a flickering orange radiance."
-- p230

"But still, there were angles in the dimness that did not seem natural: right-angled creases on the moss-girdled walls, ruined pillars among the stalagmites too orderly to be accidental. [...] From the corner of his eye he saw one of the shattered columns of the gallery suddenly standing straight, a shining white thing carved with trains of graceful flowers. When he turned to stare, it was only a clump of broken stone once more, half-shrouded in moss and encroaching earth."
-- pp238-239

"The silent lake, a vast pool of shadow below him, lay at the bottom of a great circular hall, bigger by far than the foundry. The ceiling stretched immesurably upwards [...] At the centre of it all, the dark figure lifted a long slender object and the beautiful chamber shuddered, shimmering like a shattered reflection, then fell away..."
-- p241

If you have the time and inclination, I'd heartily recommend reading the whole as an example of scene-setting. Loneliness. Disorientation. Hunger. Mystery. Confusion. Hallucination. Terror. Despair. Now that's a dungeon crawl!

It might have been a case of right place, right time, right mind; but that section of that one unexceptional brick of extruded book-like fantasy product was, for me, the difference between seeing a lightning bug and being hit by lightning (pace Twain). Now that I knew what I was looking for - crushing weight, claustrophobic immurement, and a sense that surface dwellers are naught but ignorant interlopers - I actively sought out similar material.

Combine elements of The Dragonbone Chair with the ponderous quality (Anthony Burgess' phrase, not mine) and austerity-era gothic subfusc (that's mine) of Meryvn Peake's Titus Groan & Gormenghast, from which selected artwork and passages follow:

Gormenghast cover art by Mark Robertson

Don't you just want to know what's around the corners and up the stairs?
I still do, 18 years after first seeing it.

"The walls of the vast room which were streaming with calid moisture, were built with grey slabs of stone and were the personal concern of a company of eighteen men known as the 'Grey Scrubbers'. [...] Through the character of their trade, their arms became unusually powerful, and when they let their huge hands hang loosely at their sides, there was more than an echo of the simian. [...] Through daily proximity to the great slabs of stone, the faces of the Grey Scrubbers had become like slabs themselves."
-- Titus Groan, pp27-28

"...feeling that here at any rate was his one chance of escaping these endless corridors, followed as best he could in the hope that Mr Flay would eventually turn into some cool quadrangle or open space where get-away could be effected. [...] as his erratic shape approached the next guttering aura he would begin by degrees to become a silhouette [...] a mantis of pitch-black cardboard worked with strings."
-- Titus Groan, p42


or with the overheated Faery Queen fever dream of Moorcock's Gloriana,

"...its outbuildings, its lodges, its guest houses, the mansions of its lords and ladies in waiting, have been linked by covered ways, and those covered ways roofed, in turn, so that here and there we find corridors within corridors, like conduits in a tunnel, houses within rooms, those rooms within castles, those castles within artificial caverns, the whole roofed again with tiles of gold and platinum and silver, marble and mother-of-pearl [...] And in those forgotten spaces between the walls live the human scavengers, the dwellers in the gloom"
-- p9

"A short flight of stairs took her up into barbaric, blazing torchlight, into a hall of asymmetrical splendour, whose ceilings rose and fell and whose walls were studded with huge gems, whose tapestries and murals showed crowded, obscure scenes of antique revels. [...] she had passed them by, pushing open doors into another, darker cavern, filled with the odour of heated flesh, of blood, of salty juices, for this was where her flagellants convened..."
-- pp72-73

Montfallcon and Ingleborough [...] continued their journey [...] through wider, vaster halls, full of decaying pageantry - banners, armour, weapons - dull and dusty, into the echoing gloom of that cathedral of tyranny [...] where rats now ruled, and spiders danced their precise, oft-repeated steps, and shadows moved, scuttled and were gone. [...] Their human figures were dwrfed by obsidian statues of grotesque and anthropoidal aspect - broodind statues, perhaps still dreaming of the heated, morbid and fantastical past..."
-- pp 124-125

"...the tunnel turned, dropped, climbed, leading them away from Dignity and Charity and Grace and all the other sober demands of office, until they entered a high gallery, all intricate, barbaric carving, with ancient beams supporting a ceiling of panelled wood, and the lanterns casting shadows, displayed inhuman faces and peculiar representations of animal forms [...] They investigated little rooms which still contained narrow beds and benches, lengths of chains and manacles [...] They descended pitted stone and heard water but never saw it. They found wax, so fresh-seeming it might have fallen from a candle an hour or so since. [...] They heard voices, laughter, cries, the rattle of implements, footfalls - fragments of sound [...] as if space itself possessed different qualities within the walls."
-- p171

"More tunnels, another gallery and then, leading from this landing, a stairway into a wide, dark, deserted hall that might, two or three centuries earlier, have led to an outer door. [...] The stairwell zigzagged up, storey upon storey, and through the rococo railings faces peered, as prisoners from bars, regarding her with frank but neutral curiousity. The faces were oddly distorted, not by the filigree of the banisters, but in keeping with their bodies."
-- pp234-235


or the weird and wonderful, gas-lit underworld of C.S.Lewis' The Silver Chair, which epitomised the life of the dungeoncrawler in one haunting refrain:
"Many fall down, but few return to the sunlit lands."

and you've got a particular sensibility going on which is, IMO, pure essence of dungeoncrawl.

So, it ultimately took a cheesy Anglia TV kids show, a Warhammer spin-off board game, and a Tolkien knock-off fantasy series to explain the point of dungeons to me.

Thank goodness those old days are gone.
Thank goodness for the thrumming brainhive of the internet (never again need gaming newbs labour in isolation and ignorance).
And thank goodness for the OSR.

Thoughts? Opinions? Heckling cries of "Did you never watch X...?"

edit, and semi-related: having only recently slighted Talislanta as a Tekumel wannabe setting, I am currently in the midst of an orgy of humble pie consumption on the matter. Why? Because Stephan Michael Sechi has made an array of Talisalanta setting pdfs freely available (fill yer boots here!) to the nebulous ghost people of the interwebs. Truly, he is big; I am small.

Tuesday, 23 February 2010

Solomon Kane's North Devonian Cousin (and other strangeness)

(hat tip to Al Harron at The Cimmerian for the title)

[spoiler warning: there would be spoilers ahead, if you hadn't already seen every single thing in this film done better somewhere else. Srsly, watch Van Helsing and Conan the Barbarian and you know exactly how everything in this film is going to work out]

"Do not be alarmed. You are caught in a cliche storm. The Hollywood sound and fury machine controls all that you see. They control the horizontal and the vertical, and the editing suite. And they are /really/ high on coke.

Devoted fans of REH, please put your head between your knees and repeat the mantra "There is no Howard but Howard, and the Blessed Tompk is his prophet" until the urge to weep, scream and tear out one's eyes subsides. I suggest you maintain the position until the credits roll." ;)

Solomon Kane

England. 1600AD, the late Dung Ages. A land of rain, mud, more rain, grimy leather and oppressed yokels labours under the twin tyrannies of LOTR surplus costuming, and pompous and intrusive incidental music. Only one man can save the kingdom:

Solomon Kane, Action Wurzel!
(also, zoider-smuggler, pirate, Aragorn cosplayer, and architecture critic extraordinaire).

Unfortunately for not-so-merrie olde Englande we first meet this highly-strung Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen wannabe in the throes of a towering rage against the intrusion of a (grossly out-of-keeping) Overblown Evil Gothic palace into the charming Moorish vernacular skyline of Tunis. Solomon Kane and his pirate/aesthetes rage through the streets, stabbing stuntmen, chewing all the scenery in sight, causing spontaneous plot-directed explosions, and demanding to see the manager.

Some cliches, exposition, FX and one handwaved "because the script says so" set up of Mr Kane's impending damnation later, and we are reintroduced to our protagonist. The cunning Puritan is now hiding out in the only monastery in Slovakia^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H (*ahem*) England whose abbot had the presence of mind to hide his foundation from Henry VIII's dissolution of the monasteries. Thereby bypassing all the complication of the Protestant reformation, and of the anti-Catholic scares of the later Tudor era. Yep. Going "you ain't seen me, roight?" at a whole 70 years or so of history, that there's some achievement Padre.

(Cut to 70 years previously.

Thomas Cromwell: "An island?! Curses. These perfidious Catholics have learnt that running water negates our Suppression Acts, and that agents of the Court of Augmentation do not understand the concept of boats. They are entirely safe from us. All our plans foiled by their cunning aquatic Popery.")

I mean, I can watch Braveheart and Gladiator without entering a state of full on, frothing GNAAARRhistorianRAEG, but there are limits!

Forced to leave his sanctuary by prophetic dreams sent by the powers of "plot" and "get on with it" Solomon Kane (hereafter SK) takes some carefully staged, ad-friendly hero poses against the skyline. Obligations to the marketing machine discharged he is also kawwed at by the fearsome ravens of obvious presaging, then curbstomped by some Central Casting bandits who know not pacifism ("Oi am a man uv peace. Ow! Ow ow ow!"), and then falls in with a family of not-at-all-puritan Puritans heading for the New World ("USA! USA!") for no readily apparent reason.

Of course, having garbed SK in their spare Van Helsing costume, and engaged in some portentous exposition, said Puritans then fall afoul of an OBVIOUS EVIL CHILD sole survivor witch. Witch handily dissipated into a flock of crows by a gambit that was creaking with age when Peter Cushing used it (clue: cross), the Puritards then wander blindly into the clutches of the evil, slave-taking mook villains of our piece, the dreaded West Zomerset Happy Fun Club* and their Summer Sunshine events organizer, Mr Lurtz Leatherface McNazgul Vader.**

* Played by some surplus-to-requirements Orcs of the White Hand cast adrift after LOTR finished filming. The life of a jobbing extra is a hard and unglamorous one.
** Any resemblance to SK's dear dead elder brother is purely in the mind of the viewer, and cannot be spotted a friggin' mile off after the helpful flashback scene.

Tangential: Hmmmm. Pale-skinned, badly-dressed jabbering psychos infesting the English landscape and enslaving people. Date stamp around 1600AD. I call subtle satirical allegory of the Stuart ascent to the throne, with overtones of protest against the current Scottish Raj reigning at Westminster. No? Just me. Fair enough.

Anyhoo. Back to the action!

Some hyperkinetic and badly-edited attention-deficit fight scenes, a quick outbreak of "why hast though forsaken me" emoting by James Purefoy (dir: "Act harder!"), and a promise - "solemn oath" in the original Puritanese - to a dying Boromir^H^H^H^H^H^H^H (sorry, wrong film) Pete Postlethwaite later, and SK has a new quest: save fresh-faced Puritan jailbait daughter Meredith Plot Coupon McFinalgirl from the clutches of the West Zomerset HFC and their invisible incidental music hurdy gurdy of doom. The unspoken "Let's hunt some Orc!" hangs heavy in the air.

It's pretty much 'action heroism by the numbers' from here on in. You can fill in the blanks yourself. I'm only going to point up the worst crimes against cinematic originality.

Blah, blah. Mr McKenzie 'never knowingly typecast' Crook playing an oddball treacherous priest. He reminds us that the apocalyptic mudscape we are seeing is, in troth, the delightful cider apple orchards and gently rolling hills of the Somerset-Devon border, and not just an especially gloomy bit of eastern Europe with cheap labour and hotel rates. The worthies of the West Country Tourist Board write a stern letter. Mr Crook eats bits of it.

Fr Nuttyboy then tries to feed SK to his ghoul parishioners. They fight. SK escapes. Reappearing Central Casting bandits claim Meredith (plot coupon girl) is dead and get their expected comeuppance.

Blah, blah. Drunken despair scene in the back room of the not-at-all-the-Prancing Pony. SK passes out, and awakens captured by the WZHFC. Doh!

Blah, blah. Crucifixion, in an obvious (if sucky - no vulture-biting) homage to Conan the Barbarian, and in case we hadn't got the redemption symbolism yet. SK sees Meredith alive in the WZHFC's superfun sightseeing slavecart and pulls himself off the cross (cheap nails, obv.) before passing out in a puddle like a big damn hero.

Blah, blah. SK is rescued by the Rangers of Ithilien^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H Weymouth, who he then leads on an unpictured 'ran out of budget' sewer crawl assault on his ancestral manse, now HQ of the WZHFC. Said home is another looming pile in the Hollywood Inappropriate Grotesquely Evil Gothic style, and obviously the place from whence SK derived his distaste for anachronistic architectural cliche.

Quick scene where Max von Sydow (imprisoned in his own dungeon by his son like a man who's never ever seen King Lear, or heard the words "Faustian bargain") semi-reprises his Conan the Barbarian role as King Osric, albeit with some added narm, a touch of Peter o'Toole's Priam (Troy), and a masterfully unstated air of "Who do I see about my cheque?" Fear not Academy, your precious Supporting Actor Oscars appear to be safe from the fantasy ghetto scum this year.

Blah, blah. "Hold them off. Rescue the prisoners".

Blah, blah. A nice touch, possibly covering more running out of money, where we're cockblocked from another 300-style mook-butchering spree when the top-of-the-totem pole villain, Mr Evil Albino Wordfaced Priest (Malachi - good scary cliche Biblical name that - to his friends) actually unlocks his throne room door when said door is forcefully knocked upon by the protagonist. Why, I near woke up in shock! Is this a cunning double-bluff on the part of the villain? The first cinematic wrong-footing I've seen since Nameless stabs the First Emperor in Jet Li's Hero? Erm, nope. It would appear not. Oh well...

Blah, blah. SK & Lurtz Leatherface McNazgul Vader fight. Guy called Kane fighting his brother; inevitable outcome is inevitable.

Blah, blah. Malachi outlines his plot to use cache of demon mirrors left over from Constantine (heh, same place they got the 'dark hero fighting to redeem his soul' schtick) to conquer the West Country ("ooh ar ooh ar ooh ay") with the aid of the WZHFC, intrusive incidental music, and a giant tinkertoy with a fine line in LOTR Balrog impersonations left over from Hellboy: Golden Army. His is a subtle and cunning plan. And his motivations are obviously entirely too subtle to be conveyed to the audience in any meaningful fashion.

They fight. Glowy special effects. SK 1: Evil 0. Huzzah.

Cut to sequel-bait burial of the beloved dead + generic portentous voice-over ending.

Credits. Weeping of Cimmerian readers. REH turns in his grave. "Darkness and Decay and the Red Death held illimitable dominion over all."

-----

So, yeah. It's about what I expected. Good points?

  • Well, it's remarkable what you can get for $30M nowadays. If only the money had been used to make a real SK movie, for grown-ups.
  • James Purefoy's Loamshire accent alone is worth the price of admission. Wurzel action hero? Comedy gold.
  • My bag of Maltesers was delicious.
  • At least it wasn't as bad as Kevin Sorbo's Kull the Conqueror (*shudder*).

tl;dr: It's the Van Helsing prequel. Not Robert E. Howard's Solomon Kane, just SK(INO).

Thursday, 6 August 2009

AD&D 2e: Virtues of the Ginger Stepchild


Although I came into D&D just before it was released (heck! the first few Dragon magazines I ever bought had full page ads for the shiny newness pictured to the right) I've never been a great fan of AD&D2E as a rule set.

Even when our avowedly neophile neophyte gaming group made the move from the classic orange spine 1E books to the newer (and thus - to our teenage minds - self-evidently better) black spine 2e books we were really always playing the same old cargo cult mash-up of BD&D/1E during the 2E era that we had been before. We couldn't have given you page references for anything other than the most obvious stuff, and we certainly couldn't have discoursed learnedly on the differences between editions 1 and 2.

Sure, a lot of the organisational issues and odder rules holdovers of the AD&D 1E rulebooks were 'rationalised' by the 2E books, and the Monstrous Manual - when finally released - was probably the definitive D&D monster book of all time. But we still always had the sense that 2E was just a revision and reprint, rather than an entirely new game system. Even as teens we could tell that 2E was really no more than "AD&D, revised and reprinted". It certainly wasn't the mental revolution that later edition shifts were.

In my opinion the greatest virtue of AD&D 2E wasn't the clarification of the core rules, and it certainly wasn't the interminable stream of largely interchangeable "Complete" splatbooks that regularly dropped steaming from the cloaca of the TSR release engine. The true jewel in the crown of 2E was its settings.

Yes, yes. Purge the heretic! Burn the unclean! Bury him in his own sandbox that his evil might not warp the minds of others. :p

All edition snobbery aside, the numerous campaign settings released during the 2E era (1989-1999) were some of the most imaginative, thought-provoking settings ever released for D&D. For the purposes of this argument please disregard the splatbook bloat that ultimately afflicted the various settings and helped to destroy TSR as a force in the gaming industry, and just look at the initial boxed sets for Spelljammer, Planescape, Dark Sun, Birthright, Al-Qadim, etc. in isolation. Each of these boxes offered you the chance to extend your D&D game in ways that the core rulebooks only ever hinted it:

  • Did you love Expedition to the Barrier Peaks? Here's a whole setting full of space-borne wackiness we like to call Spelljammer. Go nuts!
  • Did you always look forward to the playing house / fantasy battles elements of the D&D endgame? Here stands Birthright, ready to serve.
  • Hankering for a bit of Arabian Nights / Sinbad magic in yer D&D? Al-Qadim is here to service all your orientalist cliche needs effendi.
  • Want more sword-and-planet pulp adventure and Dune elements in your game? Dark Sun! I choose you!
I will concede that mixed in with the life-enhancing, game-changing, mind-stretching stuff there was also some real 'thrown together to meet a deadline' drivel. Jakandor, Maztica, and the wholesale sack-and-pillage of the D&D Known World setting spring to mind as being among the more egregious crimes-against-gaming of the late TSR era; and the less said about the eminently forgettable Council of Wyrms the better IMO. But I can honestly say I believe that if Dark Sun, Al-Qadim, Spelljammer, or even woefully metaplot-afflicted and mechanically kludged Birthright had sported a Judges Guild imprint on the box instead of a TSR brand then they'd be appreciated for their true potential by grogbloggers today.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I feel a plundering spree coming on. Time to get the old boxed sets out of storage.

Friday, 26 June 2009

Jakandor: the Last Sandbox

[non-Vaults material. ckutalik at the Hill Cantons blog suggested I should talk a little about Jakandor in terms of exploring city ruins. I wish I'd never leapt with alacrity to oblige his whim; it reminded me how badly rose-tinted glasses can actually affect your memory of something]

The three-book Odyssey series setting could have been one of the last great TSR settings. Published in 1998, when the creditors were already circling and while veritable drifts of unsold Dragon Dice were piled high in the TSR warehouses, the Jakandor setting should - in theory - have been a great success. A self-contained lost world setting where superstitious tribesmen and atheistic necromancers fend off mysterious monsters and fight over the ruins of lost civilisations: this could have been a rethink that revolutionised and revitalised AD&D, as had Planescape or Dark Sun a few years earlier. Just a glance at the Isle of Destiny cover above shows you the potential the setting had. (Are those tiger-headed zombies the Thoth-Amon looking dude is setting on that cowering tribesman?)

Unforunately, Jakandor as released was cataclysmic fail: a textbook example of how not to do it. I can only hope the name Mike Botula is an Allen Smithee pseudonym, because this is some of the laziest hackwork ever committed to paper and spewed onto the market to meet a release deadline.

Isle of Destiny
Format: 96 page book + 32 page DM's booklet, 22"x17" full colour map.
Produced by: TSR
In: 1998, the Dark Age

The volume exploring the Charonti necromancers native to Jakandor, is ok, but no more. Only ok? How do you even manage that?! You have an institutionally atheist magocratic culture who live in the haunted ruins of ancient cities using their own ancestors as advisers, warriors and labourers. How can you possibly make a culture like that boring?

Unfortunately they managed it. The writers appear to have bottled it by actively fleeing from every interesting idea the material might suggest. The Charonti have a caste system; only not really. They are hidebound by tradition, ritual and cultural manifest destiny; except when being wholly rational and pragmatic. They're a culture of atheist necromancers; except all the ones who aren't (i.e.: the vast majority). Priests and Outcasts are reviled and hunted; except the ones who decide to fit in. The Charonti are a dying race fighting for survival in the ruins of their former greatness; but what they're besieged by is never made clear. Ultimately the Charonti culture comes across as little more than a lazy Tekumel pastiche for people who found the original "just soooo tl;dr."

This cultural coping out is entirely supported by the mechanics on offer. The fearsome thaumaturgical plague that destroyed Charonti civilisation is anything but fearsome and can, in fact, be cured by a cheap alchemical mixture. The mighty and terrible necromantic servitors are just bog-standard 1HD skeletons and zombie with silly names. Even the unique magical constructs are yawnsome. Zeppelins made of whale bones, mummified ancestor head libraries, or giant necromantic digging machines made boring? An achievement in itself. And the class kits (you remember these, front-loaded modifications to the existing AD&D classes...) are dull beyond the dreams of accountants. There's a scribe kit for Gygax' sake! Kits take up more than a score of pages in the book, and they could have been dispatched in two.

The DM's Guide, a short 32 page coverless volume containing information on the Knorr, the lost ruins of Jakandor, and a short adventure with a suitably Lovecraftian grue is denser with plot hook and ideas than the 96 page main volume. Lost cities under the sea? Menageries frozen in time? Gates to other worlds? Intelligent undead and their agendas? Rebel priests of the sleeping god? Why was all this goodness not explored before?! Oh? Is that my 32 pages up?

Isle of War
Format: 96 page book + 32 page DM's booklet, 22"x17" full colour map.
Produced by: TSR
In: 1998, the Dark Age

This book introduces the Knorr barbarians (yep, insert your own soup joke). If you just read their brief blurb in the Isle of Destiny DM's guide these guys initially seem pretty cool. Proud Warrior Race dudes with magical mecha totems, spirit brother animals and shamanic magic. Fear arcane magic and the undead. Circle of Life/Earth Mother religion. Despise missile weapons. Loot tombs for sacrificial goods and bragging rights? Yeah, they could be fun.

Unfortunately when you crack open Isle of War you'll see that that's *all* there is to the Knorr. Their culture is no more than a generic Celto-Maori-Amerindian viking animist cliché storm. They're so cliché they actually wear buckskin chaps, count coup on one another, and decorate their weapons with feathers. In 1998! This wouldn't be so bad if TSR hadn't already explored similar cultures in a much more interesting fashion (the Vikings and Celts historical sourcebooks, and Birthright's "Rjurik Highlands" are a couple that spring to mind). The Knorr's motivation to adventure isn't even explained in their book. You learn a lot about them as tribesmen, but their reasons for leaving the tribe and rummaging around in taboo ruins are only to be found in throwaway passages about Knorr tomb-robbers in the Charonti book.

As with the Charonti, the Knorr cultural cop-out is entirely supported by page after page of guff about kits (a dozen animal lodge warrior kits? One would be fine thanks. Three types of semi-ok picarro rogues, and three or four variations on the theme of shaman? Spread those ideas thinner!). The Runequest-style minor magic rituals which anyone - caster class or no - can supposedly utilise cost more than they're worth (4 proficiency slots for a luck re-roll in a setting that tops out at ~10th level? *pfffft*). The rules for totem guardians (30' high remote-controlled wickermen and statues) are fun, but will probably only see use once in a campaign. Full page maps of Knorr longhouses, villages and farms? Waste of paper.

The Isle of War DM's Guide is weaker than the Isle of Destiny version. Larger typeface means less content, and what there is... let's just say it could be better. The included 'adventure' (and I really do use the words advisedly) is certainly no B4: The Lost City, or Hidden Caverns of Tsojcanth. In fact it's more "everyday life in tribal times" than rip-roaring tale of 'barbarian heroes vs. ancient buried evil'. Again, so much promise; failed so badly.

Setting
The Isle of Dread points and laughs. Lost cities and dungeons scattered all over a generic island wilderness full of unintelligent creatures (is the isle temperate, sub-tropical or tropical btw? We're never told as far as I recall). The only intelligent creatures on the island: the two (inimical) cultures, and some random roving undead. Monsters and animals only. Final Destination.

Map
Pretty, decorative, but lazy in that the landforms are obviously based on continental America (forested tribal lands to the east; big river valley down the middle; semi-arid and mountainous lands to the west) even though Jakandor is only about the size of Britain. The only good thing about it - apart from the pretty colours - is the deliberate omission of information. Charonti lands are little more than blank terra incognita landforms on the Isle of War map, Knorr tribelands on the Isle of Destiny are based on what horribly out-dated Charonti maps say.

General Conclusion
There are some (few) good ideas in the Jakandor setting, and a lot of things that act as a creative spur by the degree by which they fail of their promise (the "I can write better than this!" factor). The intent was doubtless there. But oh! the execution. Three books to cover a mini-setting with only two cultures and no major new rules content. With an editor who knew his job, and freelancers who weren't being paid by the word, the content could have been cut into one - potentially really good - 96 page book:

  • one chapter on characters
  • one on the two cultures (and ramp the weirdness up)
  • one on lost cities
  • one on the perils of the wilderness
  • one on monster stats
  • one on lost artefacts (magic and otherwise).
Pop the Isle of Legend image on the cover. Add some evocative interior art and colour page backdrops (the Jakandor books have unrelieved monochrone pictures and plain backgrounds - bear in mind that this series was created after the proverbially pretty Planescape and Birthright lines). Job done.

Sad to say, but if this was typical of their late-period stuff then TSR deserved to go to the wall.

note: I haven't included the third Jakandor book "Land of Legend" in this review as I don't believe in throwing good money after bad.

Wednesday, 29 April 2009

Fresh Gaming Lewts


In defiance of the prevailing financial gloom wrought upon my beloved country by Jonah McDoom and his caterpillar-balancing sock puppet I have recently been stimulating the toys, games and trinkets part of the international economy. As a result of point-&-click witchcraft (although the chain of cause and effect is tenuous at best) more stuff has manifested from the boundless tat bazaars of the electroweb:


In other news: The first quadrant of Level 1 of the Vaults is just about complete, as is an accompanying sub-level I've dubbed Zeno's Dollhouse. The former has been something of a slog, with re-writes, re-mappings, tantrums and tears before bedtime, the whole shebang. In fact there's probably a whole blog post worth of drama in there... The latter (annoyingly) popped into place fully formed and sat there looking smug at me.

Both chunks of murderous tunnelised doom use the already famous One Page Dungeon template (no, I shaln't be entering the competition: I have quite enough trouble with my own dungeon thanks), said template being liberally sprinkled with unoriginal ideas nabbed from here, there and everywhere. All I have to do is work out how to make a decent-looking map ("I am teh suk"), and onto orbitfiles they'll go for perusal and mockery.

More later.

Tuesday, 14 April 2009

Ulysses 31: What Spelljammer Could Have Been...



That show had it all. Cool ships; Greek myth; the most dynamic images of space since Kirby; a hero with epic facial hair, a jetpack and a laser sword; sleeping hovering cursed crew; cute comic relief robots; blue space loli; nightmarish imagery and weird electro music; the titan Atlas as personification of binding force energy...

I wonder if there's a game system that could do the surreal mythic weirdness of it justice...? (and don't quote Risus at me, Risus can do anything)

Yep. We had the best nightmare fuel cartoons in the 80s.
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